Don’t let sex send you to the ER!

We asked EMTs about the most horrific sex-related injuries that sent people to the ER—and we were NOT disappointed! Keep reading to learn from these wild stories and make sure these sex SNAFUs don’t land you in the hospital!

THE ORIGINAL POST:

“Here’s the deal, I am writing a blog and one of the ideas I had was the best/worst sex fails that landed someone in the ER via ambulance. So let me hear it, the funniest, craziest, most cringe worthy most outrageous sex fail you’ve been dispatched to was….”

ALL CHOKED UP

“I wasn’t dispatched to this call; the call was for me. A crew I was familiar with picked me up. During intercourse, things got too rough, and he accidentally fractured my larynx while choking me. Going back to work afterward was… interesting, to say the least.”

VERACITY OF VEGETABLES

“During my clinical hours, a younger guy came into the ER complaining of severe abdominal pain. As we assessed his condition, we started going over what had happened. He explained that he and his girlfriend had been experimenting and he got a vegetable stuck up his ass. The girlfriend came to get him and the nurse was going over instructions for release. She balked when a comment was made about being more careful with vegetables in his rectum. Turns out, she had no part in what happened. I heard her yelling “You called me out of work for this?!”

HEART-STOPPING SPARKLES

“A man in his thirties came into the ER, and he immediately went into cardiac arrest. To make matters even more bizarre, the guy was covered in glitter. Thankfully, we managed to bring him back, but when we asked him what had happened, he explained that he started having chest pains while having sex. It turned out that the woman he was with had been waiting for him in the lobby. When she came back into the room to see him, I kid you not, she was dressed like a kinky clown, completely plastered in glitter.”

REVENGE OF THE RODENT

“Apparently, two guys fought with each other about whether one of them was cheating or not earlier that day. When things got heated in the bedroom and they got down to some anal foreplay, one guy stuck a gerbil up there.”

WHAT’S UP, DOC?

“The first call I was ever dispatched to involved a young man. He was bangin’ a 5ft bugs bunny, then proceeded to fake chest pains so his parents wouldn’t get mad at him. Not only was Bug’s crotch cut open but it was wet. The golden zinger was the family was extremely religious, the mother was hysterically crying while screaming sinner at the top of her lungs.”

THE HARSHEST SEX EDUCATION

“Penis fracture. So. Many. Penis fractures.”

JUST A TRIM

“I worked as a corrections officer for 25 years. One guy had a condition where he couldn’t feel pain. He cut his sack off…with nail cutters…and didn’t make a sound doing it.”

ALWAYS KEEP A SPARE

“I dispatched to an unknown medical emergency after a next-door neighbor called 911 to report hearing screams next door. Police, fire, and EMS were all dispatched to the scene. Once police cleared the area, the fire department worked to open the door. When they finally located the source of the screams, they found a 20-year-old female, blindfolded and handcuffed to the bed. On top of her was an unconscious male almost twice her age. Turns out he went to stand up and the fan (that was on) happened to catch him in just the right spot to knock him out. They spent the next twenty minutes searching for the keys after the ambulance took him away. Meanwhile, she lay on the bed, covered with another blanket, completely unaware of where he had left them.”

Be careful with where you stick things, leave ANIMALS OUT OF THIS, always know where the safety releases… or keys for that matter, are, and do your best to make sure you’re not a call we’ll remember for years to come.

Read Part 2 HERE!